PLEASE GIVE ME FIVE MORE MINUTES!!!

I haven't written in a while, I have had mixed feelings.
How do you go back? How do you fix what is now broken? Not just cracked or in a position to be fixed. But truly broken. No going back. As crazy as it sounds to some people, I have called physics, mediums, looked up how to perform a ritual in the mirror to talk to the dead. I only want five lousy minutes. Is that to much to ask? . Would it be the chance I am looking for? A chance to say the things I didn't say? A chance to answer questions I didn't have the guts to ask? Anything has to be better than this endless pain. Don't cry to much, don't talk about death to much, it will make everybody else uncomfortable. Well F--- everybody else. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to break everything, I want to make this pain stop.I want to rewind the clock and take control of this dead end situation. I should have done more. Do not, and I am sure I have already said this, Do not step aside and let someone else handle YOUR family. I have learned I trust NO ONE. Your parents, your children, your siblings. (maybe)  and sometimes that's iffy. But if you have that gut feeling that things are not right, then you better damn well pay attention. I had that feeling every single day for over a year. I ignored it. Even when I would ask my dad if everything was okay, he would look at me with that warm smile and say "yes sweetheart". I knew the smile was just for our sakes. I knew the stepford wife bitch he was married to was not taking care of him. But no, I was to busy in my own screwed up world to knock down the right door. Yes, I was there almost every single day. But I handled it all wrong. Don't make the same mistake.

Can't Say Goodbye

When the last breath leaves the body, the chest has stopped rising, the heart no longer beats, does your loved one still know your there? Or is it over? Is there just darkness? Heaven? Hell? Yes, I believe in God, but like anyone who is human I have  times when I just don't know what the hell to think, or if I have gone completely crazy. I have doubts, Your a  liar if you say you don't. Praying, begging, calling mediums, thinking this has to be a bad joke, wanting one last conversation. To know that the person you love so much is gone and that you, YOU, didn't say all that needed to be said. Did you say' "I love you" enough? Did you talk about the uncomfortable topics of your life that only the two of your can sort out? Was there forgiveness? That  is by far the hardest. I hate going to sleep at night. Why? Every morning I wake up and have to realize all over that he's gone, the phone will not ring with that strong, reassuring voice on the other end saying' "Hi, Sweetheart". If you are reading this, if you have anyone in your life that you are not making the most of everyday, Change IT!! I watched a few episodes of  "Ryan and Tatum" on the OWN channel. I am sick. They both clearly have issues, but for the love of God, the ungrateful, whiny, selfish brat needs to get over it. The man is old, sick and
has obviously made many mistakes. If you can't forgive, that is up to you, but you have to be 100% sure that the person you can't make amends with is already dead to you. You get no second chances, don't be a fool. Don't tell yourself, tomorrow, because tomorrow may bite you in the ass and never come.

Early memories

It was like looking up at a giant, dad was over 6'3, the largest hands you have ever seen and as a child if you didn't know he loved you so much you be very intimidated. Dark hair, dark skin, Elvis good looks.And of course a beautiful smile, and when he laughed, you had to laugh, you couldn't help it. Let's be honest, of course he wasn't perfect.  He drank everyday that I can remember as a child. He spent all the grocery money on alcohol or other women he may have been trying to impress.  He was married to my mom, his childhood sweetheart and probably the only women he ever truly loved, but he was young and unsettled, their union was a disaster, two children trying to play house and raise a family does not combine well with alcohol, multiple sex partners, and domestic violence. Now let's get something straight from the start. Dad NEVER put his hands on me or my sister in anger. I have only one memory of ever being spanked by my dad and I was about 12yrs. old and had stood up in the back of the pick-up, while driving down the highway. Myself as well as my sister, step-sister at the time and my adopted sister by my dads now new marriage were the targets. We got a firm look, a harsh word and a soft spat on the butt and you would have thought the world stopped spinning. Dad was not a spanker, he never yelled or judged or criticized you. He only offered his opinion if you asked for it. to me he was damn near perfect. Now granted, I know he wasn't, but as his daughter I looked at him different. I didn't care that he drank, or that he never paid his child support on time, or that my mom had to work two jobs just to feed my sister and I. I overlooked the fact that he was co-dependent and landed in bad relationships not wanting to be alone.Dad went from one bad situation to a horrible situation of deceit and betrayal, ending up with someone who used him until he had nothing left to give, until it killed him, while those of us who loved him can barely take our next breathe and the OTHERS who HE took care of for over 20+ years could barely force out a tear and were beating down the door of the life insurance company 2 days before his death. Am I bitter? You bet. Have I got some unresolved issues? Bet your ass. Am I hoping that writing this blog is the most therapeutic process in history? Yes, I am. But, the most important, is to pass on my own regrets, in hopes that someone else may not make the same mistakes. To share were I have failed, and to try to teach someone what to watch for when you are trying to trust someone to take care of the ones you love.

I Can't move

During the few, short, horrible seconds it took to realize it was all over, this was the last breath. Oh God, Help Me!!  I was never going to hear his voice again. No more a.m. calls to say, "good morning sweetheart" No more daily trips to check on his care, to make sure the people he had surrounded himself with were caring for him. (that will be talked about in DETAIL in the future). But what everyone needs to understand, what I hope I can help even one person realize, is that you have to say, ask and discuss. Take the time to record conversations. I did a few times. I was given a year to spend with my dad, I should have done so many things different, things now that I can never change.  During those last moments, the moments I swore I would be strong, the moments when I fell to the floor, holding my dad's hand, refusing to let go, the moments when I refused to let go of his arm, When my 23 yr. old son had to comfort me, had to literally gather me off the floor when I should have been comforting him. I knew in that moment every aspect of my life had changed, and I was absolutely right. Everything I believed in, everyone I trusted, everyone I depended on has changed, and continues to be tested. True colors have been shown, lines have been drawn, and my life will never be the same.

I Can't Breath

Have you ever been so broken inside, that you physically hurt? That you know you are about to take your last breath? Ive felt that way for almost six months to the day. You know people die, it's part of life, but it's the part that no amount of education, parenting,or even prayer can prepare you for."I'm sorry for your loss"  The great quote, "I know how you feel" Let me tell you right now, word of advice.  Unless you have walked in that persons shoes, unless you have experienced whatever the hell it is their going through, keep that "I know how you feel, crap to yourself. We have all lost someone, and this isn't my first rodeo. Grandparents, cousins, friends, my first love committed suicide, but there is nothing that compares to holding your daddy's hand, feeling his breathing becoming shallow, his skin becoming ash. There are no more words, you know that your prayers have not been answered, and like holding your finger on the pause button, everything happens in slow motion. My entire life, every word, every laugh and believe me, every regret was just running through my mind. I had no control, I couldn't make my dad keep breathing, I couldn't help my kids, my sister, least of all myself. In that moment, I honestly have no idea which emotion was stronger. Pain, loss, regret, or anger.