I haven't written in a while, I have had mixed feelings.
How do you go back? How do you fix what is now broken? Not just cracked or in a position to be fixed. But truly broken. No going back. As crazy as it sounds to some people, I have called physics, mediums, looked up how to perform a ritual in the mirror to talk to the dead. I only want five lousy minutes. Is that to much to ask? . Would it be the chance I am looking for? A chance to say the things I didn't say? A chance to answer questions I didn't have the guts to ask? Anything has to be better than this endless pain. Don't cry to much, don't talk about death to much, it will make everybody else uncomfortable. Well F--- everybody else. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to break everything, I want to make this pain stop.I want to rewind the clock and take control of this dead end situation. I should have done more. Do not, and I am sure I have already said this, Do not step aside and let someone else handle YOUR family. I have learned I trust NO ONE. Your parents, your children, your siblings. (maybe) and sometimes that's iffy. But if you have that gut feeling that things are not right, then you better damn well pay attention. I had that feeling every single day for over a year. I ignored it. Even when I would ask my dad if everything was okay, he would look at me with that warm smile and say "yes sweetheart". I knew the smile was just for our sakes. I knew the stepford wife bitch he was married to was not taking care of him. But no, I was to busy in my own screwed up world to knock down the right door. Yes, I was there almost every single day. But I handled it all wrong. Don't make the same mistake.
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